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Name:小空
Age:18
"Poisoned hearts will never change"
Tuesday, November 25, 2008 ; 12:13 PM
The past couple of days have been nothing short of amazing. I have been in such a great mood. How could I not be? But, something is bothering me. Something is in the back of my mind is picking away at my upbeat mood. I don't know what it is, but I don't like it. But I know that I will not let whatever this annoying little thought is ruin my spectacular mood. I honestly haven't felt this calm and relaxed in ages. It's day like these that make me believe that I will be ok.While there are a few issues that I have to worry about [mainly my mom] I still like where my life is right now. I am sort of living with one of my dearest friends, and she may not know it, and it may not seem like it, but she is really helping me throw this. I am glad that we are friends.There are so many people around me saying that they are praying for me and that they are wishing and hoping....but, none of it helps me. When they say that they will pray for me I have to keep myself from scoffing. I mean, all the power to you if you believe in "Him", but I don't. I can not, WILL not believe someone who has put me throw so many hardships. I know everyone says that there is a reason behind the things "He" does, but my mom getting sick twice, the fact that there is no cure, and top it all off, my undiagnosed depression. It's almost too much. And I can't see a reason behind any of it. So, praying for my mom may make YOU feel better, but it does nothing to comfort me. It does nothing for my hope. Thank you for the thought though.I could never understand why I am so cynical when it comes to my own life. I try so hard to convince others to be happy, but I never take half the advice I give.I am so dysfunctional. Honestly.
It's hard to think....
Tuesday, November 18, 2008 ; 8:00 PM
It's hard to see someone you love in so much pain. It's hard to hear about what is hurting her. When she cries it just rips me apart. I can feel my heart breaking. I wish there was some way that I could make all her hurting vanish. I know that I can't so I just do the best I can. I am around when she calls for me, but I try not to be there 24/7. She needs to learn how to stand up on her own and be strong and she can't do that if she always has someone to lean back on. So I am trying my best not to cling to her and let her have some time to herself. I honestly and doing all I can from the side lines for her. I know she is not religious, but I have been blessing her. I hope with all my might that one day she can honestly be happy again. I know that she has had a tough life and things just seem to get worse for her, but I truly hope that she will be ok. I want her to know that I will do all I can to help. And if that includes shutting the fuck up and sleeping at my own house for a few nights all she has to do is tell me to and I will. It's probably not the greatest thing in the world for me to be so willing to do anything for her, but right now I am just fine with it. The path that I have taken, the life I am leading, the things I am doing, they all feel like I made the right chose.
Sometimes I look at my life and wonder, when I am 30 will I be the same, or will I look back on my memories of tearful car rides, late, drama filled night, sitting in front of a computer screaming and squeeing at people the will never hear us, heart break and amazing kisses and wonder how my life turned into such an Idol Drama.
I mean honestly. I feel like that sometimes. I feel like I am in this amazingly popular drama series called "Push her till she breaks".
I would be the main character.
My love intrest would be....well....I KNOW who it is, but I am not saying.
And I can just see the fan girls screaming and crying with my as I face these things.
I can see them rooting for the couple that seems like the are never going to be able to work out.
I see them awwing at the right moments and hating me when I do something wrong.
I can see it all. I think I am in a drama. That, the life I think is real is really just, scripted. I just don't know it. That would make a lot more sense.
Hm.
Well, now that I have managed to randomly switch topics
I think I should go.
"Is it fair to be thrown away
Is it fair that we live this way, victimized
For a life we didn't ask for"
Best Tuesday EVER!
; 5:25 PM
So, Isa was working in the dressing rooms at Wal*Mart. Lizzie, Nilla and I went to visit her and ended up having an epic adventure. First we bothered Isa with stupid questions about clothes and just generally acted like ourselves. Then we walked around the store for a bit and ended up in front of the RockBand game. Well, Nilla picked up the guitar and I grabbed the drumsticks. We picked a song and began to epically jam out. Well....sort of. Lizzie was helping me with the drums. She was all...Superior with with her awesome power of rhythm....which is a power I have as well, BUT failed to display. After a few songs full of nothing but all around fail we decided to leave. As we were exiting the buliding a wind came out of no where and blew our hair all dramatic like and Lizzie said it was like CSI. So now Lizzie, Isa, Nilla and I are crime fighting detectives. Lizzie is the leader. She makes all the choses and gets to take fingerprints and things like that. Isa is our captain. She gives us our assignments and tells us where to go. I am the photographer. I take pictures of the clues and the dead bodies. Nilla is the one who always points out the obvious because you know every group has to have one of those. Well then as we were driving home was saw all these lights and some thing was flashing so...being detectives we went to figure out what was going on. Well, when we got closer to the flashing lights we discovered that it was our airport. Now to anyone else this would be fine....but we knew that something was up. See, we live in a small town and the airport is never light up like that because none of the planes want to land in this small town. So we called our beloved Captain Isa to get permission to check it out farther. She gave us the ok and we took off. First we secretively pulled into the airport and quietly made our way to the information desk. The woman working at the counter gave us a snotty look and said "Isn't it passed your bed time?" as she blew a bubble with her grey, over chewed gum. Lizzie, being sweet yet using a tone in her voice that meant she was in charge, just smiled and pulled out her badge. The woman groaned and let us through the gate. We reached the departing area and waited. We were determined to see who in their right mind would be landing in this town of all places. It was a little bit of a wait. The plane had landed but no one was getting off and we were just about to give up when we say a small-ish figure exit the plane and make it's way towards us. It was carrying two cases. One was obviously a suitcase, the other was oddly shaped. None of us could guess what it was. Finally the figure came close enough for us to realize who it was. We all tried hard to keep from screaming and acting like the typical fan girls that we really were on the inside. The man that had gotten off of that plane was none other then Henry Lau, Violin [and butt] master. "Hey! That guy is Asian!" Nilla gladly pointed out what we could already see. I pulled out my camera and kindly asked him to pose with his violin for me. He happily obliged. He was not used to being around people that weren't trying to kill him. We tried to call our beloved Captain Isa, but she was not answering her phone. Which is what usually happens when something epic comes up. We stayed and talked to Henry for a while and he invited us to come up to Canada sometime and visit him. We exchanged phone numbers and merrily went on our way. Now that I think about it, I really wish I would have asked him why his plane landed here. Hm. Well, maybe I will ask when Lizzie and I see him at the 2010 Olympics in Canada.
But that was my best Tuesday ever. : D
"Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?"
Down Right Insane
Monday, November 17, 2008 ; 3:39 PM
The things that have been happening in my life as of latley seem like they should be something a lead actress in a LifeTime movie would have to deal with....Not me. My mother has been diagnosed with brain cancer [she has three tumors] and because of the frequent hospital trips and her being sick [from the Chemotherapy and Radiation] I have moved in with my friend, Isa . It all seems a little surreal to me. My friends are driving me insane and the only person I want to be around is her. I can't even stand my own family for more then a few minutes. The first chance I get I run to her house and stay there for as long as I can before I have to check on my mom. I know that it sounds horrid, but sometimes I just wish that she would die and get it over with so that I could just permanently move in with Isa. I feel so much more calm when she is around. I feel like the world isn't out to get me and that things will be ok. I think that her needing me to help her through her hard times is helping me. I think that knowing I need to be strong for her is keeping me together. It's keeping me from breaking down and falling apart. My friend Kimi once told me that by letting her lean on me so much I am just hurting her in the long run. Because by letting her know that she will always have me to fall back on I am keeping her from learning how to stand up in her own. I am keeping her from learning how to be strong. And, I guess that I understand were she is coming from, but, it's hard not to run to Isa's side and comfort her when she is down. It's hard for me not to be there for her. I wish that some how some way I could take away all of her pain. No matter what it meant for me. Because, honestly, all I have ever wished for is to see her 100% truly happy. For the past 2-3 years all the things I have done seem to be for her....or at least, from what I can remember. It's strange, but it seems that most of my memory has disappeared. I get bits of smiling and laughter and pain, but the details are so fuzzy. I can never get anything straight. Maybe because I spent so much time pretending that I didn't know what was going on that it became true. Who knows.
School has been going.....better then I would have thought. As much as I hate it, the whole Earth School thing has really been helping me a lot. The only class I am failing is Environmental Biology. And that is because we do so much in class work and as I have mentioned above, I have a few things on my mind that might be a little distracting and make it hard to concentrate in Mr.K's [E-Bio teacher] class. Apparently the only way I am going to pass this semester class is if I get an A+....which is something I have NEVER done before. But, I am going to try. Psychology class comes second nature to me and I am passing like it is nothing. I have missed a few assignments, but whatever.
On the friends side of things, well, let's just say I have awful taste in people. Most of my friends have turned into plastic, mirror toting, fake girls who check their make-up every three minutes. Which is the complete opposite of me. And the few that haven't turned into fakes are turning into stuck-up bitches. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love them all. I truly do, but sometimes it all becomes to much. Like Lola. She is my other half, the girl I couldn't live without, the one who knows me best, the macaroni to my cheese. She has been there for me while I selfishly cried about my issues, she has told me things no one else would. But, latly she has been changing. She is obsessing about her weight and getting sexual with guys because she wants some one to love her and she thinks that it will help. Her personality it changing and I am getting pushed out of her 'new self'. I can't stand it. I love her. Honestly. I don't know where I would be today without her. I miss just sitting in her room, snuggled up on her bed [there were no awkward moments between her. Honestly I could grope her boob, no shirt, no bra, and we would just laugh] watching t.v and pigging out. One of the best moments I can remember off the top of my head. She was eating onions rings and I HATE the smell of onions. So she leans in and starts talking to me.
Me: Ug, nasty, your breath reeks of onions.
Her: *breaths in my ear*
Me: Um...yea...cuse my ear can smell.
And we both just broke down laughing like mad. I miss her. I do. I hate this person that she is turning into. I what to stop it, but I just don't know how.
Well, I guess that I will sign off here. Jeff Dunham has a new Christmas special coming out and Isa and I are going to watch it together.
Good night and sweet dreams to all.
"Your view of society screws up my mind like you'll never know"
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