Name:小空
Age:18
Please tell me that I have meant something, anything to you. Please tell me that I am not just an annoying thing in your life that just gets in the way. Please....tell me I meant SOMETHING. Tell me I haven't been wasting my life away for someone that doesn't even care if I am around.
When ever you mention those you care for, those you never want to be without, I'm not on that list. I am no where near that list. Why am I still here, in this house if you don't need me, if you don't want me around? Why am I trying so hard to make you happy when I am not important to you. I know that you care about others way more then me, I know that and I've dealt with that, but, I feel as if I mean nothing. I am never the one you turn to, I am never the one who cheers you up, I am never the one you miss or look forward to seeing. I don't get it.
It is taking all of what little self control I have left to keep myself from slamming you against a wall and telling you to make the choice: "Pick me....or leave me the fuck alone."
But.
I won't do that because I know that you won't pick me. You never have and you never will.
So I sit here and die a little inside when you say how much you love your prince, how much you care for your new friend, how so-and-so is the most important person in your life. Then when I try to get away from it,
try to go into another room and pretend to sleep, you grab my arm and ask why I am leaving.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
If I don't mean anything, if I am not important, why do you want me to stay?
I love being around you, but you said once that there were two people in your life
that you never want to lose....and neither was me. So why am I still here?
I want you to be happy, I do, but, if I am no help then what is the point?
You always talk about how you want someone to love you, someone to hold you and care about you......
That hurts. I love you and I make sure I let you know that. I have done all that is in my power to try and make you happy. I have given up so much and stood by your side for 4 years. Even when you whispered HIS name in your sleep, I stayed.
But why?
Because I thought that maybe, just maybe I did mean something to you.
But now I have NO clue.
No one needs me.
No one tells me that I am important.
I'm beginning to think that it's true.
Maybe it's time I leave.
Maybe it's time to drop out of school
and just....disappear.
Go where no one can find me
[not that anyone would bother looking]
I am sick of meaning nothing to the people that
I care so much about.
It's not just you...
It's Tiffany
and Tyler
and Kimi
and Jezzie
and David
and Brittany.
Everyone that I call my
close friends/loved ones...
I am just there....
just a person.
I am sick of it.
I can't keep giving people
all of my caring and getting nothing in return
I have been feeling alone lately.
More alone then usual. I have been down and am finding it harder and harder to fake a happy mood. Today I was confronted and asked repeatedly why I didn't want to join my friends for lunch and all I could say was "Because I don't feel like it"
Then Isa said this sentence:
"I don't like when you are all ug, It's worse then when I am. I at least tell people whats wrong." I was glad that she left after that because I began to cry. I couldn't tell her why I was so down, I couldn't tell anyone, not even myself. I don't know why I felt so bad and out of place. I just know that I did. I cried alone and then made myself cheer up.
There is a fear inside me that I will die before I get a chance to see Isa, Tiffany, Kimi and Jezzie happy. That I will die before I get a chance to be happy. I don't like feeling sick, I don't like feeling like I have no control over my body. That is why I did the things I did in the past. I controlled when I felt pain. I controlled when I felt good. I controlled it all.
Now I have none of that.
I am at the whim of my own body, my own mind. And it is driving me crazy.
I am fighting against myself and trying to be strong, but I am losing control fast.
But,
you quit for a reason...did you not?
There was a point to stopping it all.
So why go back now after all you did to avoid it?
I find it getting harder and harder to say no to my past addictions. There is so much going 0n around me and I feel it crushing me. And I have no one. I mean, yes, I have 'friends". Most of them know nothing about what is hurting me so much. They don't know that I have nightmares almost every night about my mom dieing. They don't know that my heart is breaking because I feel so useless to others. They don't know anything about the person I love, and what I am doing for her. They don't know about the addictions I am trying so hard to turn down. I can't talk to them...
There is really only one person I want to come and save me from these "spiders"
but, that's not going to happen. There is only one person I want to hug me and wipe away my tears and whisper to me that it's going to be ok. But, she can't do that. She has her own things to deal with and I can not let her worry about me as well. I want her to be strong for herself, Not for me.
I don't know how much longer I am going to be able to stay sane enough to say "No" to all the things that are bad for me. I am trying so hard. I have been faking this happy mood for a while now. I only let myself be miserable when no one is around, or when I am laying in bed, pretending I am sleeping.
I am to attached to these things that aren't mine. I am to focused on things that are never going to happen. I stopped believing that something good was going to happen to me.
I stopped planning ahead, I stopped looking forward to things.
I am just living day to day.
Hoping that this awful, alone feeling goes away.
Hoping that I can finally smile.
I hate when you are like this. I understand that you are in pain and I understand that you are hurting, but, don't push us away. How do you think it makes us feel [us, the people who love you] when you sit there and say that no one loves you, no one cares for you? Are we no one to you then? I am hurt that your friends mean so little to you that you can just push us aside with sentences like “No one is every going to love me” “Nobody cares about me”. I think that all of us have made it very clear how we feel. We care about you and we want to help you. I know that you need to learn to stand on your own, but that doesn't mean that you have to push us away. It's ok to need someone to lean on. We are here for you. And this whole "they will be better off if I just leave" mentality that you have is NOT true. Do you really think that? How could we ever be ok? How could you even think of making us face that kind of pain? You know more then anyone what it feels like to lose someone you love and care for….so why make us feel the same thing? We won't be ok because we love you and it would hurt more then imaginable to lose you. Please, let someone in. Let someone actually care about you. You said you would try. Do you remember that? I understand that it seems like the only way to get away from this pain that you are feeling, but it's not. If you stay strong eventually the pain will fade. Please don't give up just yet. Stay and fight. We are here by your side. We are here for you if you want us. If you want to try and stand on your own, tell us and we will let you. WE LOVE YOU. And stop worrying about making us happy. We want you to be happy. Work on yourself before you try to fix others. The only person you need to worry about right now is yourself. I can’t pretend that I know what you are feeling, and I can’t promise that things will get better soon, but I can promise that they will get better eventually. You just have to give it time and try to be strong. No one is forcing you to pretend you are ok. If you are having a bad day or you’re not feeling good, then tell us. Or don’t, but don’t just pretend you are fine. Honestly, we want you to be happy, we want to see you smile and laugh like you mean it. I know that none of us can come close to comparing to your past, but if you let us we can help you have a nice future. Please don’t give up and leave us.
Lizzie loves you
Nilla loves you
Kitty loves you
I love you
Designer Evangeline