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Name:小空
Age:18
"I give up, I'm laying it down, I've had enough..."
Friday, January 30, 2009 ; 11:59 AM
What's the point if I'm not good enough? What's the point if I can't make it better? What's the point if I am not wanted around? Tell me.
Why am I trying so hard, why am I letting these things happen to me if I am not good enough.
I've done my best. I've done everything in my power that I possibly could, and yet here I stand, not enough. Here I stand, cast out, told that I'm not really helping. Told that someone else would be better. Some random stranger maybe. I don't understand. Why am I not that person. Why can I not be turned to? What makes someone better then me? I don't need to be loved to be there. I don't need a relationship to care. I am a friend. So why?
I will never know.
So tell me...
If I am no good to you,
then why am I still here?
"Cause there's beauty in the breakdown..."
Wednesday, January 21, 2009 ; 9:41 AM
Right now I am not a fan of this new counsler. All he has done so far is tell me things I already know. I KNOW that I need to take care of myself. I KNOW that I don't need to save the world. I KNOW that sometimes it's ok to ask for help. BUT that doesn't mean I am going to. There is a certain way that I do things, a certain why that I like to live, a certain way that I think. And I don't plan on changing that anytime soon. My life may be fucked up, gone to hell, shit and all negative...but, it is MY life...and I like it just fine. I mean, yes, things would be better, but...I don't care. I am making due with what I have and I don't care. I like it. Sure, if I could, there are things in the past I would change… but they aren’t things from MY past.
I’ve come to realize something. Sitting there in the counselors’ office, he asked me if I have suicidal thoughts. And without thinking I said “I can’t.” He looked at me funny and asked me to explain. And I realized, anytime I even THINK about hurting myself, I feel horrid and guilty.
I now realize why I am clinging to someone that isn’t and very well never will be mine. Why I am trying so hard to make her happy, why I am always there for her. It’s because she is why I am alive.
I honestly think that if I hadn’t promised her that I wouldn’t leave, I would be dead. And I still think that she is the one person keeping me alive. Because I promised her. And so the reason why I am so devoted to her is because I want to pay her back, and I know the if something happens to her, I am no longer bond by a promise.
She is alive
Then I am alive.
I don’t know if she knows this. I frankly don’t care. I just want to help her and make her happy. I want her to be ok, because I LOVE her. Because I need her. It may not seem like it, but I fall apart when she is not around.
My love is unconditional.
"But in fact, fuck all that, I like the way you use me..."
Tuesday, January 20, 2009 ; 9:33 AM
It sounds strange...but, I always seem to be happier when I am being used.
There is no other way to explain it then that when someone is using me, I feel...wanted? No, that's not the right word. I feel...important that they are using ME instead of someone else. I can live with that. I really don't mind at all. I would rather be used then ignored. And if we both get something out of it, then it's all good right?
I have been in a better mood as of late. I don't mind at all what is happening.
I don't need love, I can live with this. And that is no lie.
Hell,
when I promised that I wouldn't touch anyone else, I meant it.
I don't mind it when someone says "your mine"
In fact, I like it. This person may not be mine, but I'm her's
and I'm happy.
I'm actually happy.
I think I am getting better
"Angel of mine, can I thank you ...?" A blog To Lizzie.
Sunday, January 18, 2009 ; 6:57 PM
I went to see pictures of Monster cake...and ended up crying. So this blog is directed at one and only one person.
Thank you for saying that.
Thank you. You made me smile and cry at the same time.
And your right...I'm not as together and in control as I appear.
There are so many reasons as to why I try and keep it all to myself, to many to explain.
But for some reason I do, and I know that it's not healthy. But, I am scared that if i let people know when I am bothered that they will see me differently. For as long as I can remember I have been the strong friend, the friend that people turned to when they were down. And I never had someone like that, so I got used to just ignoring my own problems. I never let on to how I really am feeling. I may mention a bad mood, or a passing headache...but I always tend to make it seem less worse then it really is.
And I don't mind that you read these blogs.
I will not censor myself. No matter who is reading.
I read your blogs as well so it's even : D
And that hug at lunch...
thank you.
It really did cheer me up.
It probably didn't seem like it, but that is just because
I tend to hold back ALL my emotions [not just the sad ones]
But thank you.
For saying you will be there
and making her call me.
I understand
where you are coming from
when you say that everything
you think about saying would just make it worse
and so you just sit there silently.
The same thing happens to me
around Isa.
I can never think 0f anything comforting to
say. Everything that crosses my mind sounds horrid,
so I just hug her and hope it's ok.
We seem to have a bit more in common
then I ever thought we would.
"Teacher tells you stop your play and get on with your work..."
Wednesday, January 14, 2009 ; 2:57 PM
So my Semester Two schedule is as follows:
1st Period- Earth School
2nd Period- Earth School
3rd Period- Earth School
4th Period- Earth and Space Science
5th Period-Ceramics Intro [I hope I have lunch with some of my friends and my sister.]
6th Period- Youth Service Leadership [CHANGING TO A STUDY HALL]
7th Period- Abnormal Psychology.
I am planning on TRYING my very hardest to get on the B honor roll this semester.
Or at least not fail any classes.
I hate school.
I truly do.
"And I'm trying to catch a breath through the air of death..."
Monday, January 12, 2009 ; 1:19 PM
Though I know that I shouldn't be...I am losing hope. I am losing strength. I don't think she is going to make it. Seeing her like that last night, my heart was crying and my brain was screaming at me to run away. Every muscle in my body told me to run. To find a way out of this. Every piece of me is telling me that I need to get out before it happens. That if I get away, it won't hurt. Seeing her, how weak she looked, hearing her breath get taken away by a cough, knowing that her heart is beating slow enough that she could go in her sleep....
I am losing faith. I love my Mom, I do, and I never ONCE seen her this weak. Not when Dean divorced her, not when Randy stalked her, not when Carlos tried to kill her, and not when she had breast cancer. She was always strong, but, something has change. I am so scared. After this....I will be alone. There will be no one left for me.
No one will be able to help me. No one will be strong enough to hold me while I cry.
I have never been this scared in my entire life.
AND THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO TO STOP IT.
I am useless.
I can't do a thing.....
useless
"I wish I could tell you how much I need you......
Thursday, January 8, 2009 ; 2:50 PM
.....and how much you need me to go"
Those lyrics seem to say more then enough.
I find myself not wanting to leave this home. I feel safe here. I love being here, waiting for Isa to get home. Sitting on her couch staring at her computer, freaking out over Asians. I mean, I know that I can come back a visit...but, it won't be the same. I am going to really miss it here. I am really going to miss spending so much time with Isa. She has really become the closest person to me. Even if it hasn't seemed like it, she's been a big help to me these past few months. I know that if I need someone I can turn to her, but, I am scared to. Last time I wanted her, I didn't go because I knew that she was talking to her friends. I didn't want to bother her. I just kept hoping that she would come to me. But, that's not the point.
I wrote her, and my other friends, letter. They are letters of confession.
This year is going to be one without lies and secrets.
I need them all now. I need people around me. I need support.
Because I know that I am not strong enough to do this on my own,
but I just can't lean on Isa alone. She has her own problems, I don't want her constantly worrying about me.
Going home is something I am not looking forward to. I love this house. I love the people in it. I love the dogs [even if one of them doesn't love me back...]. I really enjoy this place. I am going to miss it. I can't wait until summer so that I get to come back and move in again.
I feel so bad that I would rather live here then be with my mom,
but, I feel that if I distance myself from her, from the situation, then it won't hurt if something does happens to her. I know that is it going to hurt no matter what. I love my mom,
but, I would rather be with my friends. When I am with them, I don't hurt, I don't think.
I haven't been sleeping well. I have been dreading moving home and it's causing me to lose sleep worrying about it. What little I do sleep, I am tossing and turning. I hope that I can sleep again soon.
Isa, I love you.
And I am going to miss hanging out with you.
"But who can decide what they dream?"
Sunday, January 4, 2009 ; 1:25 PM
OMG.
This girl is amazing.
She made me so happy when I read this.
My heart jumped into my throat. My face froze in a dorky smile.
I don't know how she knew, but what she said was just like the life I had imagined for us.
I can't wait until I see her face to face, because I am going to ask her to be mine.
We talked about how hard it was to wait and how we wanted to be together now...but we agree that it would be best to wait. She said "Rash decisions only work out in action movies."
And she is right.
I LOVE YOU JESSICA ANN MARIE FISHER!!!!
And though it has NOTHING to do with what this blog is about
I fell in love with this line from the song "Replacment" by She Wants Revenge
With all the things I've done to you,
We're far beyond repair.
But still sometimes I think of us,
And how things fell apart.
And how you knew from the first kiss
That I would break your heart.
"It hurts to set you free, but you will never follow me...."
; 9:29 AM
After a good two hour cry last night, I realized that it is time for me to suck it up. I can't make it through all of this by crying. I have to put a smile on my face and try to be strong. I need to stop being scared of the future. I need to start planning my life. I need to understand that one day my mom IS going to die, be this year, or in 1o years. It's time for me to grow up and stop wasting my life away on "what-if's" and "maybe's". I have to be strong. I have to live through this. And sitting in a room, crying for two hours wishing that someone would come and hold me IS NOT HELPING. So last night I promised myself these these things :
1. No more tears, no more crying.
2. More smiling. Lot's of smiling. Like someone told me a number of times "You should smile more."
So I will
3. Be there for your friends when they need you,
but no more CLINGING to them.
It's time that stop being weak.
It's time to let go of the old, weak me.
On a another note...
I love using song lyrics as my blog titles.
They catch my mood.
"This is the time of night when the moonlight shines down and we can reveal who we truly are"
Thursday, January 1, 2009 ; 3:49 PM
Well, 2oo9 is here. While others rung in the New Year with friends, family and loved ones I did not. At midnight I slipped away from my brother and company. I locked myself in the bathroom and cried as I heard them counting down. Then, as I was leaving the bathroom, I ran into Lee. He wasn't a face I wanted to see, and he wasn't to happy with me either. I got what little sleep I could on the car ride home.
Things the New Year has brought me:
1. Tears
2. Blood
3. A headache
I am hoping that this is my all time low and that the rest of the year will pick up for me.
I am hoping that I can be happy and that I can live for myself.
And now a topic change....
What am I supposed to think when someone you've known for a week
means more to you then I ever have? What am I supposed to think when you claimed for four years to be straight, then all of a sudden these girls come along who like to dress as guys and you start saying you are pansexual?
There is a difference between feeling bad for me
and caring about me.
There is a difference between helping me
and wanting me around.
So please don't tell me that
you don't get why I think you don't care.
You don't act like you care,
but you always talk about how much you care for others.
How much they mean to you...
sometimes I wonder if
it's my fault. Because I am always around.
You think you don't need to care because I am not going to leave.
So maybe if I do.
Maybe if I leave and go some where else.
Focus on making someone else happy....
doubtful.
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